The point of feeling guilty.

I can't control the feeling of being so guilty whenever I seemed to be not studying. It's not my fault. Somehow whenever I may be dawdling or just monkeying around, there's always this inner voice instructing me to get back to my revision. So I don't get to have fun at all.

Of course this isn't good. I'm like losing my optimism & everything that made sense to me don't make sense at all. All that I'm getting inside my head are perhaps just more and more book work. I can't stand this at all.


You know, I went to the MINDS school, for the mentally disabled for CIP. I got to interact & partner with one of the students there, sherwin. He's really adorable & chubby, & I'm glad that I picked him at the start of the trip.

Watching him incapable of articulation is perhaps the most envious gain I had through this experience.


He don't have to worry over things that are happening in life, over how he isn't able to have conventional behavior, over how weird he is compared to the people around him. & all he do at times is to smile & make (grunts of) laughter just by being poked by a complete stranger to him.



I wish I could be like him. Then I don't have to be irritated at how imperfect I am.


Today I made another pact; & that is to get at least a B3 for my chemistry mock exam. Of course, words don't mean anything compared to action. If I don't perserve, then pengyang is going to win me again.

I hope that won't happen. I'm disliking him more and more with the way he's bragging & acting smart & annoying people around him.


& I can't believe I'm still talking to him, & that I would be going out with him tomorrow. Damnit.



I feel fucking left out in school today. Not being in a clique is terrible. & of course it feels so awkward when you're hanging out with girls 90% the time you are in school. Screw being independent. I'm not gay.



I hope I can be simple, and stay simple. That way I don't get hurt at all yeah?

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